Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Randomize
