guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
