well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
