Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
