bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
