...so i touched it.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
