sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
