Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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