No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
