my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
