I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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