i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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