I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
