she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
