she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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