making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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