Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
