i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
