Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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