thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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