i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
