Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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