I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
