Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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