Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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