drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
