I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
