Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
