I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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