my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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