I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
i need to put some appletini on your dick
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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