I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
