Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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