If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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