well I can't set my house on fire every night
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
