I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
sarcasm needs its own font
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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