I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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