On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
