Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
