No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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