i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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