I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
