Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
