grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
