there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
