I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
