Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
