One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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