Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
