she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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