it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
