I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
